Mother’s Day is just a few steps behind me, and, as a flower farmer in the busiest of seasons, I am still catching up with my thoughts after a lovely, and somewhat crazy, whirlwind of a week. I‘ve had a few moments today to find space for reflection, and as I think many mother’s do, I drift into the places where I wish I had done things differently, paid more attention, maybe cared a little less about what I now realize were unimportant things… and I think, largely, this is in ways that are directed not towards Raimee, but to his siblings. I recognize that the majority of my social media output is about Raimee, and our work and journey together in the world of farming and living a life impacted by autism, but I am the mother of three young adults who are each navigating a difficult world made additionally complicated by our family’s unique dynamic. I suspect that many of you on this path know what I’m talking about and have felt the weight in similar ways. The constant worry of an imbalanced scale of support, the feelings of inadequacy, regret, loss over the close relationships hoped for in the early days, and a defensiveness of self- (I am doing everything I possibly can) and still feeling a sense of falling short. These are realities and thoughts of the heart that greet me in my waking hours, and lay claim to my consciousness in all the hard and heavy ways, almost all of the time.
When I walked up to the farm this morning, I was carrying these sentiments with me; like rocks in my pocket. It was early, and Sayde was out in the field alone, harvesting flowers in the rain. And while I can’t scientifically prove that farmers have an innate sense of emotional rhythm with their co-workers because it is an extension of their tie to the earth and the ecosystem, I can tell you that, in my experience, I have found deep and profound meaning in the power of connection that exists between those whose work is dedicated to paying attention to the environment, and it’s subtle physical, spiritual, emotional, and intellectual shifts. It’s an energy I cannot define, but I know it’s there because I feel it. And I live with it, and am surrounded by it, all the time. It’s a blessing I cannot begin to describe.
And so, over processing flowers in the studio, a conversation ensued. One that lifted me up, and let me know that these hard and heavy things are not isolated to me. That mothers (et al) in all walks of life are struggling to hold the complexities of souls that are of us, and yet searching for ways, and losing their ways, and fighting internal battles to create a way, to achieve their own sense of identity and meaning in the world. It feels uncomfortable to say that being invited into another person’s struggle makes me feel a bit better about my own, but it does. It may not make me feel more hopeful, but it certainly makes me feel less alone. And that, in itself, lightens my spirit.
My own beloved mother, who has been my champion for my whole life, shared this quote with me on Mother’s Day. And I want to share it with you.
“When you are a mother, you are never really alone in your thoughts. You are connected to your child and to all those who touch your lives. A mother always has to think twice, once for herself, and once for her child.” S.Loren
And isn’t that the truth? Our thought life is consumed with our loved ones; their needs, their futures, their happiness. And while, for many of us, that can feel like a long, winding, and seemingly dark and endless tunnel to work our way through, it is also a path made wider and lighter by the friends we cultivate along the way; we just have to open our hearts and our stories to find them.
Cheers to spaces that allow us the freedom to share all our things. They are precious and will carry us forward in all of our days.
Love, light, and hope in abundance,
Rebecca, Raimee , and the Blawesome Crew